I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
