I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
