she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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