I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
