We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
