I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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