my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
