I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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