I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think my vagina is haunted
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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