I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
