Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
