Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
