And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
