rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I have fence marks all over my body
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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