Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
