new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
