well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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