he shaved USA in his pubs
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
