I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
