I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
