Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
