my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
