I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
