hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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