Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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