I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
