I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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