I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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