had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
