non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My vagina is very pro this idea
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