you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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