Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
how drunk are you?
Several
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
