he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
