we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
