I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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