so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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