last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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