I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
