Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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