am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
