I smell stomach acid.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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