your room smells of hookers.
And success
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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