She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
