I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
