good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
