and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
