So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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