At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
