they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
