Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
