whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just blew my weed a kiss
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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