I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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