Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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