i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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