I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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