seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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