Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
