tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
