oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
