It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize