Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
That accounts for only three of the penises
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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