I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
