I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
