Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
