I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
